Cell Phone Heaven

I suspect that somewhere between those fluffy white configurations in the sky there must be at least a zillion cell phones that once communicated with gusto. A substantial number of those departed from my possession.

It was a superb idea to invent small, carry along telephones. A cell phone now is almost a necessity. Besides offering exceptional communication they offer safety and a new style of parental networking.

No doubt about it, cell phones bring much goodness and really are entitled to go to heaven when it's time.

However, my cell phones depart at a rapid rate-- one way or the other. Some liked foreign countries so much they stayed behind. But, most of them just sorta curled up and quit. No warning. No stated regrets. They just became totally non-responsive to my fingers trying to do the walking.

The finale is always the same. I perform a senseless ritual: tap it, shake it, bounce it, repeatedly punch the on/off button. I coax, "Ahaa, come on now. You can do it. Try harder. Are you getting any juice? Why won't you cooperate?"

Just before my meltdown over fallible technology, the land phone rings and I am reminded that life goes on.

Realizing it has served earthlings well, I place the dead cell phone in an empty shoe box where it will await the next star and catch a ride to cellular heaven.

In the meantime, I'm put to the task to shop for a new cell.

Here's one that can automatically calculate a 7.5% tip, shoot photographs and videos. It has instant view and replay and you can even email the pictures to someone who cares.

A bit more sophisticated is the one that includes text chat and internet chat. I don't know why someone would want to type on their phone when they could just "say it." Seems as if the designer missed the point. "Hey, dude. It's a phone! A talking device, remember?" To each his own.

This one advertises that it is blue tooth compatible. That won't work for me. I only have white, gold and silver teeth and I'm not making a trip to the dentist. No, siree. Not even on a bet.

Whoopee, look at this one! You can listen to music, watch TV, play games, and search the web. It's like home away from home.

I continue gazing at the vast array of colors and styles while I wonder whether a cell could be designed to reduce calories. I think of how that might work. Someone forks a 10 ounce ribeye on a plate. Immediately a cell phone leaps on to the table, takes aim, everyone ducks, and a laser beam zaps the ribeye into a half-ounce piece of jerky.

"Ma'am, have you decided?" the clerk asked. Without hesitation, I respond. "I'll take anything you have that doesn't have a food zapper."


© Coninc., TheDownsideUp.Com 2006